Why do married men lie like this? I’m so hurt I don’t know what to do.
I met him in February last year. He proposed after about a week. He never invited me to his place — he kept saying he lived with friends — but he started visiting my apartment and that’s where we first slept together. He visited often until I got fed up and demanded to know where he lived. For a man in his 30s to be vague about his home felt wrong, so I snooped and, while he was asleep, checked his phone.
I found pictures of him with a wife and two children — the youngest is a baby — and messages to other women. I was devastated; I loved him. When he woke and saw me, he was ashamed and begged me to let him explain. He told me he loved me, not his wife, and said he only married her because she was pregnant and told their pastor before telling him. He cried and promised to prove his love. I believed him and we stayed together.
In June last year I discovered this. We continued dating and I fell pregnant in December. He changed when I refused to abort. He insulted me on calls and blocked me, then said he couldn’t afford another child and asked for time to save so we could have kids later. I reluctantly had an abortion because of the pressure, and things calmed down briefly.
Now I’m pregnant again. He is demanding I remove it, yet I’ve seen his wife is also pregnant and he’s letting her keep hers. I told him I would keep mine. Two weeks ago he cut contact and told me, through a different number, that it’s over and I should avoid him; then he blocked that number too. He said he wants to focus on his family and that whether I keep the pregnancy or not, he’s had enough.
I’ve supported him financially, emotionally and physically. I’ve given him money, food and my body. He says his family comes first and I have received nothing in return. This pattern has happened all my life — every man I loved asked me to abort. I’m 31 and exhausted. I’m in pain and I don’t know where to turn. I want someone to direct me — but I also want him to feel the hurt he caused.
Response:
You are in deep pain, and that pain is valid. This man has lied, exploited your trust, and treated you unfairly. But please don’t let his behaviour push you toward hurting yourself further — with repeated abortions, emotional trauma, or thoughts of revenge.
For starters, stop giving him power over you. He has shown clearly that he is not honest, committed, or worthy of your sacrifices. Continuing to chase him or hope he’ll change will only prolong your pain.
Also, be aware that you need to protect your health first. You’ve been through multiple abortions already, which is not just emotionally heavy but also risky for your body. Please make your decision about this pregnancy based on your health, your future, and your readiness — not on what he wants. A doctor or counselor can guide you better than he ever will.
If nothing else, please remember: his lies are not your failure. He chose deceit. You deserve better — and you can have better if you close this chapter firmly and take back control of your life.
