I am a 38-year-old married woman. I’ve been married for six years, and honestly, they have been the worst years of my life. I’ve battled unexplained health issues, and my husband has been no help at all. He is comfortable with poverty and has never made any effort to work hard or support me. Financially, I’m on my own.
I work as a civil servant earning 136k, but I used to fry groundnuts on the side to add at least 30k monthly just to keep us afloat. I had to stop because of my health. My husband earns 70k and is perfectly content with that. I’ve been saving toward a business, hoping to have 1.3 million by year’s end, but my sickness will consume a large part of it. I would have considered helping him start something, but he has mismanaged money throughout our six-year marriage. We also don’t have children. For my health and peace, I’m planning to leave the marriage.
My main reason for sharing this, though, is my ex — my first boyfriend, the man who took my pride. We dated when I was 21. Our families found out, caused trouble, and my siblings sent me back to the village. He visited me twice despite struggling financially, and everything he did for me was a sacrifice. I didn’t have a phone, so I secretly used my father’s.
Life in the village frustrated me, and out of fear and confusion, I broke up with him. I still remember that night — he shouted, cried, even involved his relatives, but I didn’t listen. After that, I returned to town, and he moved on and got married.
Years later, we reconnected when I was still single. He wanted me back, even wanted to get a place for me, but I refused because he was married. Last year, we reconnected again. He still loves me, and I realised I still love him too. But now I am the married one, and even though my marriage is full of pain and regret, I am afraid of committing adultery. He has a beautiful family, but he says he still loves me. When I told him I couldn’t sleep with him, he promised never to push me.
We’ve been in contact for over a year. Sometimes we meet up and simply talk. We are truly happy whenever we communicate, and that’s what scares me. I am constantly fighting my feelings. I’ve tried cutting ties — I blocked him once but couldn’t stay away. He once suggested we stop talking but later called back.
I don’t want to interfere in his marriage, but I still love him deeply. I don’t know how long I can keep living like this. What should I do?
