These guidelines, even if implemented imperfectly, should make you a plenty good parent:
Default to freedom. True, some kids will abuse freedom and so they need more rules and limits. But with most kids, the more freedom you afford (within broad limits), the more self-efficacy you encourage and the easier it is on you.
Some parents are overprotective, for example, not allowing an active child to climb trees. Sure, there’s a tiny chance that your child will break a limb falling from a tree, but the probability of that is far lower than of the overprotected child ending up with a lack of sufficient self-efficacy. The child is more likely to be denied enough opportunities to realize that failure is almost always survivable—even broken bones heal. A child’s experience of a parent not trusting him or her to negotiate the world early and often is less likely to heal.
Default to reasoned communication. “Because I said so” models poor thinking. Even if brief, offer a reason, even with a toddler, for example: “You have to come to family dinner because you’re part of this family.” Of course, as kids get older and the problems more complex, open, thoughtful communication is key.
No corporal punishment. That’s one of parenting’s few clear no-nos. Hitting your child conveys that problems should be solved with violence. Also, that doesn’t get at the core problem. Rather, it may generate short-term compliance, but it also will generate the child’s long-term desire to show who’s boss—by behaving badly and hiding it.
Give choices. You may gain compliance by giving choices, all of which are acceptable to you. For example, “Do you want to wear the red snowsuit or the blue?”
Give modest time extensions. Often, it’s difficult for kids (and adults) to stop doing a pleasurable activity on command. A respectful solution is to say something like, “Okay, two minutes ‘til dinner. Finish up with the game.” Or if dinner is already served, you might say, “I see you’re not quite done. Do you want one minute more?”
Default to strength-building. Weaknesses are hard to remediate, usually not worth the effort, the cost to self-esteem, and the opportunity cost (what the child could otherwise be doing). So the brainiac should get lots of cognitively challenging opportunities while the academically slow but artistic, athletic, or fix-it/build-it child should, yes, learn basic 3Rs, but rather than pile on lots of tutoring and summer school, have discretionary activities that build on their strengths.
Don’t worry so much about TV or video games. If your child wants to play more video games than you think desirable, except in the extremis, it may not be worth fighting about. Indeed research now cites video games’ significant benefits. And logically that makes sense: Many games maximize individualized-level problem-solving in an immersive environment. Here are 50 good video games for learning.
Even preschoolers enjoy and benefit from time on the computer. For example, my wife, Dr. Barbara Nemko, has won four national awards for demonstrating that 3 to 4 year-olds learn a lot and learn joyously when using iPads in preschool.
Even TV is more benign than you may think, even sitcoms. They tend to portray good values and the language used may be superior to what your child might otherwise hear.
You probably have bigger issues to take a stand on than an extra hour a day of TV or video games.
Default to modeling. Few-second lecturettes can help, but modeling good behavior works better—it’s hard to expect your kid to be diligent if you’re slothful, to be calm if you’re a hothead, to be clean and sober if you’re not.
Default to guilt. Instead of jumping to rewards and punishments in response to misbehavior, invoke guilt. “What?!”, you may cry. “I’m still trying to overcome the guilt my parents and church instilled in me. That’s good parenting?!” Yes, if used judiciously. Invoking guilt builds your child’s intrinsic motivation so s/he’s likely to behave well when not under your watchful eye.
For example, if I caught my teen smoking, I’d say something like, “Of course, I’m disappointed. Your judgment is normally good. Do you want to talk about it?”
If my child had promised to clean his room but didn’t, instead of yelling (a form of punishment), I might simply say, “I’m disappointed. You usually keep your promises.”
If my three-year-old refused to come to the dinner table, rather than a bribe such as “If you sit down, I’ll let you have ice cream for dessert,” I’d say something like, “Want to have dinner with us like a big girl or not be part of tonight’s family dinner?” If s/he didn’t come, I’d say something like, “I know you like being part of our family and I’m surprised you don’t want to be part of us tonight. You’ll have another chance tomorrow.” Then start dinner. If s/he chooses to join you, I wouldn’t recommend the punitive, “Sorry, no dinner for you.” Better: “I’m glad you decided to join us. Perhaps tomorrow you’ll be more grown-up and join the family for the entire dinner.”
Invoking guilt is both easier and more effective than are rewards and punishments. Those require you to be ever vigilant and consistent, and that’s hard.
Have a united front. If you’re a two-parent family, it’s important that you both agree on general standards of parenting. When one parent tends to be the enforcer while the other usually lets the child slide, it sets the stage for the child playing one parent against the other to no one’s benefit.
