Several clients and a close friend are going through “it:” a break-up, separation, divorce. These life-altering events are incredibly painful during normal circumstances but even more agonizing during a pandemic.
“I don’t have a right to feel sad when people are dying,” is a sentiment I hear from many grief-stricken clients impacted by an issue unrelated to the virus. They feel guilty asking for support. Yet, one heart break does not compare to another and each needs attention.
Many devastated individuals are home alone. Online communication may be their only connection to the outside world. Yet online correspondence is intricately linked to social media. This may increase the possibility that they stumble across an ex’s post with someone new.
“I can’t get away from it,” says a client of mine who is struggling with a separation. Dealing with a heartache is difficult and feeling inhibited from asking for support may intensify the feelings of isolation.
Often a person’s support network is intertwined with a partner’s, so during a break-up, separation or divorce, the loss of these relationships hurts. Distress about who is “appropriate” to contact is painful and may compound the loss.
Also, the loss of future plans with a partner is a painful element of a break-up / divorce; made more difficult by the current state of global affairs. “We were going to re-locate to Colorado to be closer to family,” a client tearfully explains in session. The intensity of the unknown regarding the future is overwhelming and facing what lies ahead, alone, may be terrifying.
A common coping mechanism during a break-up or divorce is “getting out there.” Going out with friends, getting a massage, or engaging in retail therapy are helpful distractions. Currently, many of these activities are not available. Attempting to move on may also be complicated because face to face contact is limited. Pursuing a new relationship and creating new memories is an important component of recovering from a past relationship, but it is almost impossible during quarantine.
Supporting the broken hearted during COVID-19 is critical. There are five things a person can do to support a friend or loved one in the throes of a heart break.
First, listen with an open heart. Refrain from telling him or her what to do and simply listen. Abstain from judgement or advice and attempt to empathize by honoring how the friend feels.
For example,
“You are hurt. I would be too. What happened is not okay.”
“You are mad at yourself for wanting her/him back. I get it. It’s confusing.”
“You feel thrown away like you don’t matter. I understand. It’s an awful feeling.”
Listening for the friend’s feeling as he or she talks may be more effective than immediately offering advice. When a friend feels understood he or she feels less alone and connected to the person who understands. This allows him or her to feel close to the supportive person and more comfortable reaching out in the future.
Often when recovering from a severed relationship, a person feels conflicted and confused, so empathizing with these emotions assists the friend in feeling “sane.” He or she may spiral through a range of emotions; anger, confusion, regret, guilt, sadness, acceptance and then back again. Empathize with each feeling state, then encourage and reassure the friend.
Second, distract the friend. Get creative. Online shop together, play online games, watch Netflix over FaceTime. Check on the friend frequently, but make sure the friend knows there is no pressure to return the call. Sometimes, a person dealing with a divorce is not up for talking. Saying, “Hey, I’m thinking about you and I love being your friend. No need to text back. I just wanted you to know,” may be enough for the time being.
Third, help the friend create ways to invest in the future. Maybe the friend is super funny. Encourage him to enlist in an online improv group. Perhaps she is crafty. Recommend she start an online business tailored to functional décor for college students in tiny spaces. Whatever the friend’s gift is, inspire him or her to pursue it.
Fourth, get the friend chatting in social groups he or she may not ordinarily belong to. Start a group chat with old college friends or people from an extended social circle. Help enlarge the friend’s social network. If the friend does not find this appealing, it is okay. Reassure the friend that there is respect for his or her process and timeline.
