The wild world of dating can be a tricky one to navigate. After all, there’s no playbook on how to court someone.
But just because there are no hard and fast rules about what you should do when dating, that doesn’t mean there aren’t things you should avoid doing on the dating scene.
In fact, there are many common dating mistakes almost everyone makes. To help you be in the minority, we talked to relationship coaches, therapists, matchmakers, and more dating experts to identify what not to do when you’re playing the dating game.
1. You’re dating without any goals in mind.
Without goals and intentions, many people fall into the bad habit of dating passively, says relationship coach Kari Tumminia, MA, author of No Bad Dates. That means just waiting for the next person to show enough interest and then reacting to whatever they bring to the table, as if you’re “auditioning for the position of a soulmate,” Tumminia says.
Instead, she recommends spending time creating a description of what your ideal relationship looks like, so that you can use it to identify which future partners or dates align with that idea and which don’t.
“Dating with goals and a purpose in mind removes stress around figuring out which potential partners we should give more time and more energy and helps us create clarity around why we’re dating,” Tumminia says. “Knowing why we’re dating removes confusion, keeps us from staying too long with people who aren’t right for us, and moves us in the direction of finding good partners, faster.”
2. Focused on dating too many people.
On the other hand, dating too many people can also cause some problems. Eric Patterson, a professional counselor in Pennsylvania, says being involved with too many people can often make it harder to feel “content with just one person.”
“One person could have been the best cook, another was incredibly handy around the house, another had an unparalleled sense of humor, and another was an amazing sexual partner,” he says. “None of these people were complete, and none of them satisfied you to the desired level, but their standout characteristics will be burned into your brain.”
3. You text too much between dates.
Steve Phillips-Waller, relationship expert for A Conscious Rethink, says many people actually harm a relationship in the beginning by texting too much in between dates.
“Over-messaging in between dates leaves you with fewer things to discuss when you actually see each other. So keep messages casual and short—just enough to show your interest, but not so much that you kill the conversation later on,” he says. “Unfortunately, shy people or those with social anxiety will use messaging as a substitute for meeting in person. But it rarely builds the same level of connection as face-to-face chats.”
4. You’re dating because you don’t want to be alone.
It’s fine to want a relationship, but when you start forcing connections and relationships because it’s what you think you should be doing or because you’re uncomfortable flying solo, then it becomes a problem.
“The word ‘need’ will strip you of any power you have in the dating world. Anytime you look for love with a ‘need’ for a partner to fill a donut hole, you give your power away and lose yourself,” explains relationship expert and therapist Audrey Hope. “Anyone who succeeds in finding true love must do so by being their authentic selves and in their own power.”
5. You settle for less than you deserve.
Nicole Arzt, MS, LMFT, board member for Family Enthusiast, says people end up sacrificing “one or two or 20 needs” because they are too afraid that they will end up alone instead. Unfortunately, Arzt says this only “perpetuates low self-esteem,” and creates a pattern of people dating others they resent or don’t actually really like.
6. You carry around baggage from your last relationship.
If you’re a serial monogamist who never allows yourself the time to deal with the pain or issues that come from a breakup, then you are establishing a rocky foundation for future relationships.
“Make sure you are healed and have dropped the baggage of your last love before you take your wounds in the new one,” says Hope. “Go to a therapist or relationship coach and work out the patterns and themes of what hurt, what still lingers in your heart, and where you are vulnerable.”
7. Or you compare everyone to your former partner.
It’s common to consciously or subconsciously compare everyone to your last flame, especially if you still have an emotional attachment to them, says Viktor Sander, relationship expert at SocialPro. But Sander recommends focusing on every new person you meet as a “unique individual” and learn to “appreciate them for their qualities,” rather than “putting them into comparison with someone else.”
An easy way to make this switch in your mind is by asking yourself questions like, “Am I happy with this person? What do I like the most about this person?” instead of, “How does this compare to what my ex did? Is it better or worse?”
8. You think you can change someone.
April Davis, a professional matchmaker and founder of Luma, says that even though people often hear “that they can’t change people,” they hope and believe that they are the exception to that rule.
“Realize more times than not, someone is putting their best foot forward when they initially are getting to know you in the dating world,” Davis says. “So it is important to take them as they are and assume all their good and bad characteristics and traits are there to stay. The next choice that should be made is if those bad traits are something you can realistically deal with or if it’s a dealbreaker.
9. You’re not upfront about your feelings.
Instead of letting their true feelings show, many people act as if the person they’re into will figure it out through clues they think they’re giving. Of course, admitting you have feelings for someone you’re not sure feels the same way is scary.
But you also risk losing that person for good by hoping they can read your mind. Whether it’s due to “pride, shame, or awkwardness,” Davis says, not being forthcoming about your feelings is a very common dating mistake.
If you want to have success in your dating life, Davis says you need to “start letting people know how [you] feel and not hoping they will figure it out magically.”
10. You try to rush a deep connection.
According to Ponaman, many people will try to rush a “deeper vulnerable connection” with a potential romantic partner by trying to bond over pain points early in dating. “For example, people typically will talk about their exes on a first or second date, which is a big no-no,” she says.
“Mutual respect and trust has not yet been formed on a first date and this is where you should be putting your best foot forward while still remaining true to yourself. You do not want to set a foundation of a relationship based in pain and complacency, but rather on your strong suits and the qualities that truly make you who you are.”
