Hmmm! So how do I begin…
Before marriage, I was doing OKAY for myself. I’m very hardworking, always doing extra shifts so I hardly had time for social events. My life was kind of one way but I’m not the kind of lady who enjoys too much outing anyway.
I had very few friends from back in school, and so my routine was basically from home to the hospital and back. I met my husband on one of the social media platforms. Before him I’d had several suitors but I don’t know, when I met him, we just had a spark and it was so nice.
We could speak for hours deep into the night even when I was to be on duty the next day. It wasn’t anything physical about him Dave. He only told me he does not live here but came down for a holiday. He works abroad. I don’t want to be too specific with details so people do not suspect it’s my story. He didn’t have much when I met him.
He was just staying with his mum. He alleged he was robbed a few days upon arriving in Ghana, and so he had lost most of his contacts and credit cards and had to even block his account because his laptop was stolen in the process and he was scared the thieves will hack into his account.
And Dave, it was not because he said he works abroad either because I’ve had suitors and colleague doctors in the US who have been chasing me for years. It was different with him, that’s why I didn’t care. Most of the outings were at my end. I was single, staying in a two-bedroom apartment, and so I was cool. A few times he would ask money to get an item on the way back home but I didn’t care because I believed he was stranded due to the robbery.
A few months into the relationship he took me to meet his mum, dad, sisters and all. He proposed and wanted us to get married before he left. I didn’t think twice, I accepted. He was humble and had a lot of respect for me. He helped whenever he was around with chores and all. He was just my kind of guy.
Fast forward, the wedding preparations started and money became a problem. I had used my savings to bury my dad a few months before meeting him so I didn’t have much. He started making calls here and there. One day, he told me about a friend in Sunyani who wanted to help out because he had helped that friend a lot in the past. I gave him money for his transportation.
He left and came back three days later with GHs 10, 000. I was happy. I didn’t mind having a small wedding but he personally chose a venue that was very expensive and he wanted something expensive to make a statement. All the money he told me he was expecting from the US never came.
And the excuses were many: Today, a friend will bring this amount, tomorrow that, and our wedding date too was fast approaching. Cards had gone out, etc. And then he suggested I take a loan and once he goes back he would send the money down for me to pay it up.
I never ever would have taken a loan for a personal car, talk-less of marriage, but then, there was no way out and so I just had to go for the loan and we had a beautiful day. The day didn’t even turn out to be very fulfilling to me as I wanted because the stress and pressure I endured took all the excitement away.
After the marriage, we moved into my apartment since my rent was not due and he said he was going back to the States the next month. Dave, then my problems started.
A week to the said date he gave me that he would be leaving, I asked him to let us start doing arrangements, packing and stuff, and so he should go for his things that are left at his mom’s end, etc.
He went and came back on a Wednesday, of which his flight was supposed to be on Saturday. I asked that he gives me his passport to keep because of all the creepy stories I hear. Lo and behold, he said he couldn’t find it.
After searching through the entire bag, he was sure he packed it in the bag but it was nowhere to be found. He tried calling his mum to check the house again. Later that evening, he got a call from a guy who claimed had found the passport in a taxi and would bring it to us the next day.
Dave, that never happened. He later alleged the guy was demanding for some huge money before releasing his passport. My husband took some money, made some rounds, went to the police to make a report and was given a letter to the embassy.
He took the letter to the embassy but was asked to produce his social security number and green card, because it was an American passport but he alleged those items were part of the items stolen when he was robbed. The embassy couldn’t help him. That was what he told me.
He had a Ghana passport that was full of visa and tickets. I’ve seen his pictures. He has travelled, but as to the authenticity of all what he was telling me about the missing passport, the robbery and the fact that the embassy said they could not help him unless he produced those cards still didn’t go down well with me, but I was running a 12hrs shift Monday to Friday, and so I didn’t have time to follow him to any of these places to really know if he did all those rounds.
Long story short, he couldn’t go back. Then he said he managed to contact his lawyer from there and that, she was working on it. It took months Dave. And it really affected us. I kept telling him if going back wouldn’t work then he had to try to find something here to be doing for the meantime but no, my husband would rather behave as if he had. And that was way too good for any small job.
I was doing everything, paying the loan, utilities, food, his upkeep and doing all that in my pregnant state. Yes Dave, I still had to do 12hrs shift, leave home by 6 am and get home almost 9:30 to 10 pm.
Because the hospital was a bit far from home, and I had no choice. My husband wasn’t working, and I had bills to pay, a loan to pay, an extra mouth to feed and all. Day in day out, I go out, come back late and I remember telling myself that I’m sure when my belly starts to grow bigger and he sees me struggling this much, he’d be forced to try and get something to do but Dave, it never happened.
Whenever I brought it up it always ended in a fight. I cried every day, almost regretting not taking my time to actually know him well. I cursed myself for putting me and my unborn child through all the stress and pain. All he did was to be on his phone, chatting women and telling me he is doing online business.
A business that never paid anything. I kept praying things would change. And then one day, he told me the lawyer sent him a note to go to the embassy for his passport. He showed the message to me. Before this, anytime we quarrelled, he would tell me to wait and see, that this was not his end.
And that, he was once somebody before all this happened to him. How he always told me – the day he gets hold of his passport he might not even come back home but take the next available flight back to the States, and surprisingly, I was praying it actually happened. Because I was overburdened in my condition and stressed out.
He went for the passport, called me on video and showed it to me, his American passport. He alleged he was scared of bringing it home, and so I told him to either leave it with the embassy and pick it up the day he will be travelling. I was a little relieved that things were about to change. He came back home and told me a friend is keeping the passport for him.
Then the issue about when he would be leaving came up and he started complaining about where he will get his ticket money. I got worried because after the loan deduction and taking care of the home plus my transportation, I really had nothing left to save, and so I had no money anywhere and no one to turn to.
He continued staying at home, always on his phone, sometimes in three months, he would bring GHs 100 or 200, alleging he got it from a friend or a deal with a friend. Stories upon stories every day Dave.
One day, I spoke to a friend whose husband was also an American citizen and travels a lot. He was excited to help. He requested for the date my husband will love to leave so he can buy him his air ticket just like that oo, Dave, and I had the biggest shock of my life. I went home very happy and informed my husband.
His expression just changed. He was not happy. Before this, he told me about a white lady he had met, who is very rich and the lady was coming down because of him and would change our lives because she was rich.
Dave, the day he told me this we argued the whole day. I was shocked someone who claimed had been to school could not use his certificates to apply for a job but was always looking for the easy way out.
He told me that day of how all his ex’s used to support him, and that, even the GHs 10, 000 he brought for the wedding was given to him by one of these ladies. Dave, that was the day I realized I could never trust my husband. Because I was surprised at the lies he told me the day he brought that money home for our planning.
The story he cooked up. He got angry at the fact that I’ve gone to look for someone to buy him an air ticket. I realized he was hiding something, either there was a reason he couldn’t go back or I was simply missing something about who he really is. The excuses he gave me that day was that white woman coming to GH, to meet him and that, I wanted him to leave such a huge opportunity behind.
Dave, this guy continued to live his life. I tried to change. I never left any money for him on the table as I used to do every day. I tried to provide foodstuff and he will sit at home, watch TV, eat and be on his phone the whole time. All this was happening within about nine months of our marriage.
We quarrelled at the least thing. I will ask him to pack his things and leave my life. Then he would apologise and we will continue. They say marriage is for better and for worse, and so I kept having faith and praying God should touch his heart and change his thoughts. Dave, I can’t type all of what I went through else you may not even be able to read.
Amidst all this, he had never raised his hands at me. He became very supportive of all household chores. I was heavily pregnant and our rent was almost due plus I was also almost due with my pregnancy.
I remember lamenting to him on what we are going to do. He told me not to worry. And that, he was arranging some money, so once the money was available, we would move out.
I knew him so I started saving something and informed my mum of all our troubles. So she agreed to help when the time came. As usual, rent was due and this guy was still just telling me stories. I went to look for a cheaper apartment which was a bit far from town but was far better than where we were.
We moved in. I put to bed and still, nothing changed. I tried reaching you Dave, on days that I will look at my baby and cry the whole time. I had to leave my two months old baby at home and resume my 12hrs shifts because things were becoming tough and the loan needed to be paid.
My mum moved in to assist. God blessed me with a very beautiful baby. Actually, the child hardly cries. And so I always buy formula; me a doctor, who is always advocating for exclusive breastfeeding couldn’t even breastfeed her own baby for at least three months mpo. I was going through hell and nothing changed.
My husband continued with his lies. I just kept enduring as new events keep unfolding. I know I look stupid in all this: someone would ask, this lady paa, was the handwriting not clear on the wall?
It may be to you but when you are in the situation you may not even see it. My mum brought a small girl from the village because she has to go back to her business. And the girl has been with us close to a year now.
She really takes care of my baby. All was well until a few days ago my husband started complaining about her; today the girl has done this, tomorrow that, and when I ask her she will also just stare at me and won’t say a word. One day a neighbour told me my help told her she will be leaving to her Auntie’s place.
So I called my mum to come and send her back to her place before she runs away one day and gives me issues.
My mum came and after several interrogations, this girl told my mum that my husband has been trying to rape her since she came. And on several occasions, he would pounce on her after she had taken her bath and entered her room. She said she would scream and he will leave her room.
She told me the first time he tried it he came to apologise and told her it was the devil, and even showed her a picture of his son abroad, telling her he has a son abroad who is just in the same age as her, so he couldn’t have done that to her. But after a while, he started it again and she never gave in.
Dave, can you imagine? My whole world just crashed. Just when I was consoling myself that, at least, he respects me, helps at home and hardly goes out so he may not cheat on me, especially with all the issues and problems, and he did this? I feel stupid.
I look at my child and I regret giving her such a man to call dad. I confronted him and he denied it all. As if I was expecting him to speak the truth, a serial liar. So I asked him to pack out as I always do when we get in a heated argument.
This time he packed his things and has left the house. I don’t know if I am hurt, disappointed, or relieved. This came up early, less than two years of marriage Dave. If I had friends that I could hang out with have fun and forget about this it might have helped, but all I do is work, think, work, think and keep thinking.
This is my story Dave, this is what I’m going through and I’m less than 30 years. This is what life throws at me or better still what I have put myself into. If there’s anyone here who has been through anything similar, please I have questions I need answers to.
