I’m a 31-year-old married woman, and I need help because I’m not happy with my husband’s approach to intimacy.
My husband insists that we must plan every intimate moment. Nothing spontaneous. He believes adults should always bathe, relax, and prepare before having sex. I didn’t grow up like that. I love spontaneity. I want a man who walks in from work and wants me immediately in the doorway. I want him to come to me in the kitchen or while I’m washing and take me right there. That’s what excites me.
Before I met my husband, I dated someone during my national service, and we lived in the same room for six months. He was spontaneous. He wanted me at random moments, and it made me feel alive. I would be dressing for work, and he would come for me. There was a night around 4am when I went outside to wash and he took me right there on the compound. I was scared someone might see us, but he didn’t care. It was intense, and I enjoyed every bit of it.
I miss that part of my ex. That experience is stuck with me, and I think about him often.
I’m not expecting my husband to be exactly like him, but I don’t want everything planned. These days, I don’t even get naturally aroused because it all feels routine, so we’re always using lubricants. It’s draining the excitement. This insistence on bathing and planning every single time is boring. He keeps saying he wants to avoid infections because he’s a married man.
But this is not fulfilling for me. Why can’t he desire me like I’m his wife? Why can’t he be rough with me sometimes or take charge the way my ex did? That man wasn’t even married to me, yet he gave me that kind of passion. My husband married me, and I want him to make me feel wanted — intensely.
I’ve told him all of this, but he keeps saying he’s not a robot and gives excuses. He’s a good man in every other way, but when it comes to sex, I am unhappy. Sex means a lot to me, and I don’t feel satisfied in this marriage.
