I’m 30 years old. I turned 30 this year. I lost my virginity at 22, eight years ago, to a man I truly loved. Two years later, I got pregnant for him, and he forced me to abort it. Right after the abortion, he ended the relationship. At first, I thought he was joking, but he never spoke to me again. We lived in the same town, yet he walked past me like a stranger.
I was devastated. I cried, begged, tried to reconnect, did everything I could to win him back, but he never changed his mind. He was firm and cold. I hadn’t wronged him — I only loved him. He was 26 then, four years older than me.
For two years, I refused to give anyone else a chance. I carried myself well, lived quietly, and hoped he might one day reconsider, but he never did. He eventually left town. Only then did I try to move on, but nothing worked. I couldn’t love anyone else. Every man I met, I wanted him to be the one I lost my virginity to. My heart simply refused to open up.
Two years ago, I heard he had gotten married. I started stalking him online. I watched all his pictures with his wife. I even created a fake male account to make negative comments about her. I accused her of being a former hookup girl. He messaged the fake account to confirm the story, and I pretended it was true. Later, he told me to stop commenting about his wife because he didn’t believe me.
Even now, I still watch everything he posts. I know where he works, where he lives, and details about his family.
I don’t want to harm anyone. I’m just still in love with him. Since he left me, I haven’t slept with any man. I haven’t even touched myself. He is my only body count. It feels strange that after all these years, I haven’t been able to move on. My heart still wants him. I still miss him. I admire the man he has become.
I’ve heard people say some women never recover from the man who took their virginity. Is that true? Is that what I’m experiencing? It’s been over six years, and I’m still deeply attached. I haven’t even had a male friend since.
What do I do? Could this be spiritual? How do I finally move on? I’m already 30. I need advice.
