3 reasons why being selfish is actually the most selfless thing you can do.
One theme that often comes up in therapy sessions is the importance of self-compassion. This concept includes taking the time and energy to recognize needs, creating boundaries, and making self-care and pleasure an integral part of one’s daily routine. However, the most common response I receive to this concept is pushback.
Namely: “I don’t want to be selfish.”
I hear this reply from all genders, but women in particular feel that being selfish is an incredibly shameful act. As I mentioned in an earlier post, there are societal reasons why those who identify as female may feel compelled to put others’ needs before their own (see “Human Giver Syndrome”). But the idea of selfishness being “bad” often stems from early childhood, in which we learned from others which traits were praise-worthy and which were unacceptable. As adults, we may not take the time to re-examine the concept of selfishness and to parse out when centering ourselves is harmful and when it’s actually helpful.
The irony is that putting other peoples’ needs above our own can often lead to resentment. Trying to be a “good” or “nice” person may actually bring up annoyance or anger towards those very people you’re concerned about helping. When you put your own needs first, you not only benefit yourself but you also often benefit those around you. In my last post, I offered five major ways to focus on yourself. This time, I’d like to offer three reasons why centering your needs will have positive effects for the other people in your life.
1. Others will find it easier to get along with you.
If we’re not transparent about our needs and boundaries, other people have to assume or guess. Perhaps a few people will take advantage of this vagueness to get what they want from you—but hopefully, most of those in your life care about your wellbeing. (Consideration of boundaries is also a valuable measurement of care and respect.) It can take time and energy to try to figure out how to interact with others if they don’t give us any indications. It can also create anxiety for both parties. When we are responsible for our own needs and can clarify our boundaries, the people in our lives can take that into account instead of walking on eggshells around us or being afraid of asking for too much or too little.
2. Positive energy is infectious.
Consider how you might respond to someone bumping into you on the street if you’re feeling A. burnt out and hurrying to finish tasks you’ve resentfully taken on from a friend; or B. coming from a yoga class on the way to meeting up with a friend whose company you love. How we act or respond to others depends a lot on how we’re feeling in that moment. If we’re exhausted or in annoyed mood, it’s easy to take things personally and overreact. But if we’re feeling calm, grounded, and energized, we’ll respond in kind—which will positively affect everyone we come into contact with.
3. You’ll have the energy to change the world.
In sessions, I hear a lot of concern about the state of the country as well as the planet. Part of the problem is that these issues can feel completely overwhelming. Adrienne Maree brown in her brilliant book Pleasure Activism talks about how self-care is in itself a radical act. She also explores how integrating pleasure into activism can make it much more sustainable. The only way to avoid burnout in the face of such daunting societal issues is to figure out how to protect our energy and center our needs. In this way, being “selfish” isn’t silly or indulgent—it’s essential to making change
